Self-sabotage instead of self-care?
“I don’t know why I sabotage myself. I have this streak inside of me. Sometimes, I over-spend; I eat food that I know isn’t good for me. It’s as if I’m trying to punish myself!”
Overspending. Unhealthy eating. Procrastination. Pushing people away.
On the surface, they look like poor choices. But underneath, they often carry a very different intention.
Not sabotage. Protection.
Following the Thread Backward
I looked at my client, Sara. What was this “something” inside, working against her?
Our earlier sessions had led to meaningful shifts in her personal and professional life. So where was this pattern rooted?
Family patterns can be precise in how they repeat themselves, often playing out beneath awareness, as if driven by something unseen.
As we traced her world, something surfaced. Words spoken long ago in anger by a parent:
“I don’t know why you didn’t just die instead of bringing shame to the family.”
Deeply buried and almost forgotten, unearthed amidst tears.
Words like these don’t simply disappear when the event passes. They settle within us shaping our self-perception, behavior, and what feels emotionally safe. Even when we no longer remember them consciously.
And often, they don’t even begin with us.
They are inherited, passed down through generations, and carried forward until someone pauses long enough to notice. And choose differently.
Although spoken to Sara, they were not hers alone to carry. They belonged to a pattern that had repeated across generations in fractured parent-child experiences.
When Self-Worth Becomes Conditional
Many of us grow up learning that our worth is tied to performance. To getting it right. To being good, successful, acceptable.
This is conditional self-worth. It’s fragile, constantly evaluated, always at risk.
Self-love is something else entirely. It is not earned and does not depend on outcomes. It is rooted in a deeper sense of belonging.
When Sara heard those words, they didn’t just criticize her behavior, they shook her sense of belonging! Her place in the family. Her right to be loved without conditions. When that early sense of safety and acceptance is disrupted, something shifts. Unconditional belonging gives way to vigilance. To self-judgment. To a quiet, persistent fear of not being enough.
The Younger Self We Left Behind
Self-sabotage often isn’t about failure, it’s about rejection.
Not of who we are now, but who we once were—our younger self! The one who felt hurt, unseen, or unsafe. The one who didn’t have the language or support to process what happened. The one who never heard, “You’re okay. We’re here. We love you!”
Most of us carry a backlog of uncomfortable experiences of being shamed, humiliated or embarrassed. And perhaps very raw feelings around closeness because when you reached out for connection, closeness or support, it was not there.
If those tender parts of us could not take up space then, it can feel almost impossible to make space for them now.
So, the question becomes: How can the younger you be visible to yourself today?
Because when that doesn’t happen, the loop continues—quietly reinforcing the same message: you don’t matter.
And from there, self-sabotage begins to make sense.
Closeness does not feel safe.
A Different Way Forward
Healing doesn’t require force. It asks for something much quieter: your presence.
It begins with small, consistent acts of self-connection such as:
- Sitting with your feelings instead of dismissing them. For instance, noticing the urge to shut down or overgive, without immediately acting on it
- Journaling to give your inner voice space. “What did I need to hear back then that I didn’t receive?”
- Practicing body awareness: “What am I feeling right now? Where do I feel it in my body?”
- Creating safe, supportive environments where your experiences can be witnessed
These are not grand gestures. They are quiet, powerful signals to your younger self!
You are safe now.
You are seen.
You matter.
And slowly, over time, you may find yourself able to say something that once felt out of reach.
You are loved!
Opening to Something Different
When we start making room for ourselves, something begins to shift. The patterns of rejection and self-sabotage that once might have controlled us begin to loosen.
And in that space, something else becomes possible…a sense of safety, connection, even a sense of aliveness.
Not because we have fixed ourselves.
But because we are no longer abandoning ourselves.
If this resonates...
This is the work I explore more deeply in my book, Heal Your Ancestral Roots: Release the Family Patterns That Hold You Back and my course — Flourish.
It's about understanding these patterns at their root and learning how to reconnect with yourself in a way that creates lasting change.
To your wellbeing,
Anu
